Getting Married Today
Narrator:
Bless this day, pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day
Paul:
Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily soon-to-be wife
Amy:
Pardon me is everybody there?
Because if everybody’s there
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I’d appreciate your going even more
I mean you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul, you know, the man I’m going to marry?
But I’m not, because I wouldn’t ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all, now it’s back to the showers
Don’t tell Paul, but I’m not getting married today
Narrator:
Bless this day, tragedy of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart sinks down in disdain
This dreadful day
Paul:
Honey, I can’t find my cufflinks
Amy:
They’re on the dresser
Right next to my suicide note
Listen, everybody, look, I don’t know what you’re waiting for
A wedding? What’s a wedding?
It’s a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I’ve ever heard
And which is followed by a honeymoon
Where suddenly he’ll realize he’s saddled with a nut
And want to kill me, which he should
Thanks a bunch, but I’m not getting married
Go have lunch, ‘cause I’m not getting married
You’ve been grand, but I’m not getting married
Don’t just stand there, I’m not getting married
And don’t tell Paul, but I’m not getting married today
Go, can’t you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye – go and cry at another person’s wake
If you’re quick, for a kick, you could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees, there’s a human life at stake!
Listen everybody, I’m afraid you didn’t hear –
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
It isn’t only Paul who may be ruining his life, you know
We’ll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I’ll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage
I’m not well, so I’m not getting married
You’ve been swell, but I’m not getting married
Thank you all, but I’m not getting married
Clear the hall ‘cause I’m not getting married
And don’t tell Paul, but I’m not getting married today
Narrator:
Bless this bride, totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts to rain
Paul:
Today is for Amy
Amy I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily soon-to-be wife
My adorable bride
Amy:
Go, can’t you go?
Look, you know I adore you all, but why watch me die like Eliza on the ice?
Look perhaps I’ll collapse in the apse right before you all
So take back the cake, burn the shoes and boil the rice
Look, I didn’t want to have to tell you,
but I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I’m gonna faint
So if you want to see me faint, I’ll do it happily,
but wouldn’t it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?
So thank you for the 27 dinner plates, 37 butter knives, 47 paperweights, 57 candleholders
Paul: One more thing
Amy: I am not getting married
Paul: As we said
Amy: See, I’m not getting married
Paul: With this ring
Amy: But I’m not getting married
Paul: I thee wed
Amy: Still I’m not getting married
Paul and Amy (together):
Let us pray, for we are getting married
Let us pray that we’re not getting married
